For many of us, the holiday season brings a mixed bag of emotions. The cultural narrative is overwhelming: twinkling lights, cozy fireplaces, and biological families gathering in perfect harmony. But for transgender, non-binary, and gender-diverse individuals, "going home" isn't always safe, affirming, or even possible.
This disconnect between societal expectations and personal reality can feel isolating, but there is a powerful antidote that our community has cultivated for decades: chosen family.
What is Chosen Family?
Chosen family refers to the people you intentionally select to be your support system. Unlike biological family, which is determined by birth, chosen family is determined by bond. These are the friends, partners, mentors, and community members who see you for who you truly are, respect your pronouns, celebrate your transition milestones, and love you without conditions or caveats.
Historically, this concept has been a survival mechanism for queer and trans folks who faced rejection from their families of origin. Today, it remains a cornerstone of queer resilience. A chosen family dinner might look different—it might be a potluck of friends in a small apartment, a Zoom call across time zones, or a quiet evening with a partner—but the love is just as valid, and often more nourishing.
Why the Holidays Hit Differently
The pressure to conform is often highest during the holidays. You might be facing:
Deadnaming and Misgendering: Returning to environments where your identity is ignored or actively challenged.
Financial Strain: The cost of travel or gifts can be stressful, especially if you are saving for gender-affirming care or gear.
Isolation: If you aren't in contact with biological family, the holidays can feel lonely when it seems "everyone else" is busy with theirs.
These stressors are real, but they don't have to dictate your season.
Creating New Traditions
One of the most liberating acts of self-love is reclaiming the holidays on your own terms. Here is how you can lean into your chosen family and protect your peace this year:
1. Host a "Friendsmas" or Solstice Gathering
Throw out the traditional rulebook. Organize a gathering with your chosen family where the focus is on safety and joy. Make it a potluck to reduce costs, watch your favorite queer films, or simply hang out in pajamas. The goal is to be in a space where you don't have to explain or defend your existence.
2. Set Boundaries with Biological Family
If you do choose to visit biological family, remember that you are allowed to set terms. This might mean staying at a hotel or a friend's house instead of the family home so you have an escape route. It might mean having a pre-planned "exit strategy" if conversations become toxic. Your mental health is more important than politeness.
3. Volunteer or Connect with Community
Sometimes, the best way to combat isolation is to be in community spaces. Look for local 2SLGBTQIA+ centers hosting holiday meals. Volunteering can also be a powerful way to feel connected and purposeful during a time that might otherwise feel empty.
4. Gift Gender Euphoria
If you are exchanging gifts with your chosen family, focus on things that affirm them. This could be anything from gender-affirming gear to a handwritten letter using their correct name and pronouns. Validating someone’s identity is often the most precious gift you can give.
You Are Not Alone
If this season feels heavy, remember that your experience is shared by thousands of others. The family you build is just as real and important as the one you were born into. This year, give yourself permission to prioritize the people who make you feel seen, safe, and celebrated.
From us at urBasics, we are sending you love, strength, and the warmest wishes for a season filled with gender euphoria and chosen family joy.
Cover photo by Lisett Kruusimäe.
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